weakness

Getting a tropical disease was not part of my plan.  Getting one that sinks its tentacles in and refuses to go away, even less so.

Isn't God good?  Yes, that is right.  Isn't God good to give me this experience?  

Weakness.  It’s not been a word that I like to include in my vocabulary.  

I’ve relied on willpower and strength to get me through a lot in life.  It’s how I finished 26.2 miles two years ago.  It’s how I got through grad school.  It’s how I got through a lot of things.  When faced with my inadequacies or weaknesses, I grimaced and grudgingly relied on someone, or Someone, more adequate or strong.  And yet it grated my soul.  I hated to not be enough.  I hated to fall short.  I hated my weakness.

Then, I began to recognize that I wasn’t enough and that I needed to rely upon God in order to do what He has called me to do.  I am not strong enough, brave enough, qualified enough, etc. to be a missionary or a Bible translator . . . and yet, here I am because God is strong enough, brave enough, and qualified enough.  I recognized these truths, but my heart still chafed at my inadequacy and weakness.  My heart still longed to be sufficient.  I did not count weakness as a blessing, just as a hurdle. 

2 Corinthians 12: 9b-10

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Today, I will state what I scoffed at before: Weakness is a blessing.    

Without weakness, I am unable to recognize what true strength is and Who it comes from.  Without weakness, I am strong unto myself.  Without weakness, I am limited.  

It has been six weeks and one day (approximately . . . who's counting?) since I got sick.  There have been good days and bad days and very bad days.  There was a time when I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be able to walk anywhere without having to stop and sit down to recover.  Weakness.  It's a humbling thing. 

I've been starting to feel better and then hit a rough patch yesterday and feel like I have gone backwards.  This evening, I went back and read through my journal for the past weeks.  As I read what God has taught me through this experience, I am encouraged and want to share some of what I wrote because I feel like this sickness is making a big impact on my life and is helping to shape me into the person that I am.  Pardon my honesty in these excerpts. 

April 4 --- We went to the doctor today.  He's fairly confident that I have scrub typhus, which is a form of rickettsial infection.  When it's not treated you can get really sick!  The news shook me to my toes seeing as how I was so resistant to leaving the village yesterday to go to the doctor.  I'm thankful for God's protection and I'm trying hard to rest in God's wisdom and not hold tightly to plans and ideas, especially ones that aren't founded in God's truth.  The truth is, He is worth of praise and He loves me.  

April 7 --- I've felt pretty weak consistently ALL day.  It's frustrating and disheartening.  I'm halfway through the antibiotics, but I don't feel halfway better.  I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm thankful for this time to rest.  I'm thankful for medicine and I'm trusting it will work.  I'm trusting that God will give me the strength I need for each day.  My prayer topic for today is appropriate . . . patience.  : )  I'm working on it.  

April 9 --- On one hand, I feel better than last week, but on the other I don't.  I honestly have done practically nothing for a whole week!  I woke up this morning and felt really weak again.  It seems to be going forward and backward.  The morning was worse than the afternoon.  However, I still think I am trending upward.  Just not quickly.  I have a feeling that if I actually tried to do something it would wipe me out.  Come to think of it, the thought alone is making me tired. 

April 11 --- Today was a rough day in a lot of ways.  I didn't go back to the village because I was so wiped out.  I needed to have a good cry and vent my frustration.  It helped to vent and acknowledge my frustration so that I could heal and move on.  I recognized my weakness both physically and emotionally and am relying on God's strength for both.  I am weak, but He is strong. 

April 13 --- There are moments in life that impact your life in big, extreme ways.  I feel like this is one of those moments.  I am alive.  My life is meant to glorify God.  My waking breath ought to sing praise to my Creator and Savior.  God, I vow to intentionally praise you through the high and low moments of my life.  You are my Rock and my Redeemer and I will ever praise you. 

April 14 --- Positives: food, electricity, water, God, Bible, bed, family, medicine, rain, soap, sleep, creature net, stories, music, hope, faith, weakness. 

April 16 --- I'm back in the village.  It was a yes, no, yes, no, yes kind of decision this morning.  We went back and forth so many times in the past few days that I didn't know which way was up.  I was feeling really tired of being tired and was frustrated with myself so when I was asked if I was ready to go back to the village I started crying.  I'm feeling pretty helpless in every area of my life.  Not enough physical, emotional, etc. strength to get through a day alone, but I'm sure learning a lot.  I know that God is walking with me each step, I'm just trying to keep taking steps forward.  

April 19 --- Today is the best I have felt in quite a while!  : )  Not that close to 100%, but I'll take it.

April 21 --- I'm still struggling with my energy level and did way too much today.  We were walking back from getting drinking water and about halfway back I was really struggling and the load felt like it was getting heavier and heavier so I started a thank-you list to God.  It helped and we made it back to the house, at which time I felt like collapsing.  My arms and legs are exhausted! 

April 25 --- My energy level today is at zero . . . or maybe minus three.  My emotions are in such a tangle.  We're back from the village and I was really hoping to be better by this day, but I sure don't feel great.  My whole body feels heavy and I sat on the side of my bed for at least five minutes trying to gather enough energy to go fill my water bottle.  That's not encouraging and I'm so ready for encouraging.  Oh God, thank you for reminding me of your everlasting faithfulness.  Thank you for carrying me through the moments of each day.  Thank you for showing me your strength.  Thank you for allowing me the privilege of knowing you more fully by recognizing my weakness.  Thank you for letting me see you work in and through me through my struggles.  Thank you for your love, no matter what and that I can rest fully upon that promise.  I love you too! 

April 26 --- I will never be the same from this 14-week training course, and also this sickness.  This time has molded and shaped me in drastic ways.  I have learned about myself, about others, about cultures, about God, about humility, about weakness, about strength, about patience, about love for God's people . . . each and every one of them.  And about God's love for me.  

April 27 --- Psalm 143:8,9b,10  "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.  Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul . . . I hide myself in you.  Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground."  --- I woke up this morning and decided to just feel well.  It lasted for a few hours.  This afternoon was rough.  I just want to be well.  God, please give me patience through this time.  Please help me to be open to what you would have me to learn and please help me to keep praising you.  

May 2 --- Somehow, it is May!  The days keep ticking by and we are settling into life in Ukarumpa.  I had a couple of free hours today to get things done, but all I felt like doing was sitting and recovering from the trip here and the errands of settling in to a new place.  

May 3 --- Today, walking up the big hill, I felt better than I have felt in weeks and weeks!  A couple of hours later the weariness set in, but it was nice for a bit and encouraging.  

May 5 --- I love the emphasis on thankfulness in the book of Colossians.  Today I am choosing to feel thankful no matter what I feel like.  

May 7 --- Today, I went running!  Pause for a moment to rejoice!  : )  I wasn't sure if I would make it more than five minutes (if even that) and I definitely had to push myself, but made it for 25!  Then, I collapsed on the porch.  It wasn't the extreme exhaustion of previous days, but I'm definitely worn out.  Still, I'm so encouraged!  Even though I don't feel great, I'm to the point where I can get by.  This could just be the way things are and will be, but regardless of how I feel, God is in control.  

May 11 --- Yesterday and today have seemed like big steps backward health-wise.  I'm struggling with frustration, but I'm sitting here telling myself that I need to remember to be thankful for this sickness despite and instead of my frustration.  Sometimes it is hard, but I'm working on it. 

This has been quite a journey.  It's been a journey of faith and testing.  It's been a journey of ups and downs.  It has been a journey revealing God's faithfulness, love, and caring.  Through my weakness, I have felt so cared for and loved.  I have felt strong in God's strength, which is more than I could ever ask for.  Right now, I have no idea when I will feel 100% again, but I'm trusting that I will someday.  More than that, I'm trusting with confidence that God's strength is enough to carry me through each moment of each day. 

WEAKNESS.  It's a blessing.  An unexpected and yet beautiful blessing.